Holding You Back

"Many persons believe that to move up the ladder of success and achievement, they must forget the past, repress it, and relinquish it. But others have just the opposite view. They see old memories as a chance to reckon with the past and integrate past and present."

Assignment: Do memories hinder or help people in their effort to learn from the past and succeed in the present?

Memories can hinder or help an individual succeed in life. Perhaps they can weaken the state of mind or challenge someone to continue. It solely depends on an individual's point of view and how they see the world.

Personally, my memories, at times, hinder me as I recall past events in which I try to stop remembering but as much as they weaken me, they also tend to by the reasons I can still smile. Even though my memories of my past high school years seem to be that of a sappy love story in which I can't get this girl out of my mind, and it keeps me in the state of mind till I can't fight it and look at it positively in which I use it as a source of fuel where it drives me to succeed and become someone.

Once I think about my memories of then I turn it into a sense of rage in which I get angry at myself and I push myself to become better. Those same memories that blocked my mind and weakened me, now I use it as I turned it into my fuel that drives me to excel. That same fuel that keeps me up to date with my work and has had me join organizations. I look back at these past four years in which I meet her and I do not regret anything at all. At times, I become content with the idea that the fact that a simple loving memory can be devasting enough to put me in a state in which many may regret taking or not taking that action, it gives me the motivation to excel. and prove my worth.

Many will say it, I myself have told it to myself plenty of times,

"Stop living in the past. Live for the future."

Though it may be difficult to explain, my past has indeed interconnected my current life with that of my future; my past memories drive my future ones to succeed.

Explosive Mind Inside

Racing Thoughts of it All

Society, in which individuals put up their masks to hide their true wants and intentions in an attempt to fit into the world in which nothing makes sense. The world we know now filled with chaos, disorder, destruction, and mayhem –a place where citizens across the world get butchered by each other in an attempt to reach a higher standard living or perhaps just survive. Living behind a mask to hide what they really want. FEAR; fearing the truth, knowing it first hand that for that moment when you come to realize the truth you are happy. Yet, you feel like you may never get that happiness again no matter for how long you look or try. Knowing first hand how a world behind a mask is, I hid behind one for years. Ignoring, trying to make myself come to my “senses” of what I felt or thought were just dreams, a random vision of my imagination in which it would be childish and foolish to follow such expectations.

You fall in love, you dream of her every night; wondering of what she might be doing at this very moment, is she thinking of you? You wonder and wonder, pondering what might become between you two; will you get to be with the girl you dream of ever night… the girl who you fell in love with. Yet, you fear asking her out for fear that your whole little fantasy that MAY become a reality might be shattered by a simple world; NO. So you remain quiet, never speaking of the many words and thoughts that have crossed your mind of what you want to say to her. How you could express yourself to her in a manner in which she’ll find you interesting enough to remain and listen attentively to what you have to say; you remain quiet and do NOTHING. Days go by, weeks, months… years. You do nothing, then as if a test in which you FAILED, those words from someone’s mouth spoken to you, or you might have overheard; she felt the same way about you as you did for her. Now your life shatters not because you got a simple ‘no’ from her, but because you were too fearful to do something and walk up to her and tell her exactly how you felt about her and now, she’s moved on. You now realize what it is to know the power of words and thoughts.

Way before you realize you lost the girl you love, you bury those feelings and thoughts of “What if…?” between both of you deep inside your mind and heart. You bury it so deep down it eats you up inside, you lose the ability to love and think rightfully. You now fear loving someone all the time and speaking up to someone who you might find attractive or that you wish to express your opinion upon. It eats you up inside so profoundly you continue living a life as a ghost. Soulless, wondering this plane of grass and living creatures, forever lost in thought; yet you think of nothing at all for fear of thinking too much and what might the negative outcome be

You love her, you know you do. You’ve loved her since the first time you spoke with her about the total idiotic topics you could think of. Yet, she laughs? Not at you, no, she laughs because she is having a good time with you and maybe just maybe, she thinks she might be onto something. That this one might be different from all the rest, maybe he will be there for her when she needs him the most. You wonder, ‘Why does she look at me with those eyes?’…‘Is she thinking about me as I am thinking about her?’…yes, you wonder. Finally you make your move and speak your mind like a true person, your response…“Yes”. You kiss; your lips upon hers, both of you feel the love you each share between each other. You’ve been together now for quite some time, through both the ups and downs, your stayed together because you love each other: why, all because you spoke your mind.

Now listen and read, because I didn’t write this for nothing. I know first hand the dangers of not speaking your mind and taking the risk. Learn from others, so you won’t have to follow upon their road. Those that give you their wisdom and advice don’t want you to walk about the rugged road they went through. Speak your mind to those you love, take the risk between a simple word such as “no” and cope with it and you’ll soon heal. Bury it deep inside your mind and heart; it will eat you alive and you’ll never heal, you’ll forever miss that piece of yourself.

Nature vs. Nurture; one isn’t born to hate others, to look down upon them in a sense of injustice as they may be parasites to one’s hometown or country. The truth behind hate towards anyone isn’t racial, gender, or religious. One isn’t born an infant and knows the meaning of hatred towards others. No, one is MADE that way. May it be through parenting, environmental, relationships, or encounters with others, those simple interactions are the reasons why so much hatred exists throughout the world.

Love… Fear… Pain… = Life. Isn’t it great that we as humans have the capacity to think reason and hopefully make logical choices? Life is all about choices, whether we choose to do the right or wrong is entirely up to us, but wouldn’t you know it; one way or another we have to make those choices. The ability to love someone, yet truly LOVE them isn’t something in which anyone can come together with someone, look into their eyes and truly mean those three words, “I Love You”; truth be told, love doesn’t come easy, but then again, what in life doesn’t come easy?

They created us. “Us”, beings whom we, as they point out toward us, who don’t respect law and order, the system, rules, government, religion, our parents, our elders, our families, or anything in which seems superior to us. Yet, how can we respect them when they refuse to respect OUR opinions or thoughts on certain matters, or our way of thinking for that matter? True, two wrongs don’t make a right, yet when the life we live in which EVERYTHING is wrong and those on top are just there creating more and more problems for us and yet we do what is right and petition after petition nothing happens. Maybe we should try a little wrong in our life to correct their mistakes and mal actions. Perhaps, who knows, in time we may all live in a harmony in which we all want. To live in relative peace and harmony, isn’t that what we all want? Not only for ourselves, but for our family, or family that has yet to come? Truthfully, no lies, or bullshitting; peace does not come without sacrifice. We all know this, those who think they don’t, either are too ignorant to accept the truth or simply live in a fantasy.

Alright, we all know life can in fact be a total destructive hardcore bitch right? Yes? Ok, good thing no one is in denial. Yes, I know it may sound as a contraction to say life IS a bitch, but the mere fact that other individuals around the world may be suffering much more calamities far worse than you may ever suffer and the fact that your "BIG" suffering has made you take the easy way out of things is just plain idiotic and cowardice. So next time you feel a sense of insecurity, emo-ness, or just plain non-existence... How about you cowboy-the-fuck-up and take charge of your life?

Society; oh god, here it’s a discussion waiting to happen about all sorts of things to society in general to a specific nation's society. Yes, I'm from America. No, I'm not a Yankee. What can I say? America, a land of dreams and hope right? Sure, you have the CHOICE to pursue your dreams and hopes WITH limitation to the fact that they benefit, well, the government, then the American people. I for one am not too entwined with politics, government, or all their bureaucratic jaw-boning. Democratic. Republican. Communism. Anarchism. Socialist. Who gives a shit? I'm an anarchist. I am not too fond with the way the government treats its people. Government was placed to HELP out the whole, not just the rich and protect ever buck and guard every shit they take while the poor and middle-class get from behind and raped. So here’s the important part of reading all this: you want fucking changes in the world and government. YOU FUCKING MAKE THEM.

As always you should know I have a comment of my own. Yes, the thought of hurting the one you "love" is unbearable. The thought that they make you content and feeling the warmth of the sun against your skin, it is devastating knowing that you might hurt them. And as anyone decent with a heart, of course you don’t want to. The mere fact exists that throughout our existence, we are going to be hurt by the ones we hate, dislike, love, enjoy the company of, friends, family, strangers, or closest of them all. Pain and hurting others (unintentionally of course) is just another way to grow up. We all fear growing up; those who say they don't are not only stupid, but liars. Never walk away from something great that you enjoy and makes you content. Holding onto something or someone who gives you the strength to rise each day against the world and all of its sins is worth the struggle to keep. But also bear in mind a struggle also has to end. Either you win or you don't. They may forever keep YOU happy, but they may also bring you harm, just take care and think upon everything before your action is taken.

You fear it all. Your fear love, religion, politics, government, family, friends, strangers, things you don’t know or aware of and even the things you know. Feelings of love, hate, anger, pain, anguish, death, kindness, it all hits you in the softest part a human being has. It hits you so profoundly you feel like everything and everyone is against you. The weight of the world is on your shoulders along with the weight of everyone else right? What can you possibly do, cry? Complain on how life is so unjust and unfair that you wish you had a better life instead of the miserable piece of existence you live in. Screw that, cowboy the fuck up and take control and learn to deal with those mishaps. Grimly and black clouded as your life may be, as life throws you the hardest hits it can, just smile your most sadistic smile back at it; cause guess what? At any point in life, shit is going to rain all over you, and if it isn’t, the people in it will. Learn to deal and cope, after all, that’s what we humans are good at supposedly right? Adaptation.

A Lengthy Piece

My Asylum

How can it be that the most reserved of individuals may be some of the most trustworthy ones? Undoubtedly the truth behind the complexity of a true friendship is unknown. The difference between a true friend and any known acquaintance can be very easily seen; though to understand what it is to have a true friend, one must trust that person and be there for them to earn their friendship and trust.

'We all have our secrets. It's best to keep a bit of ourselves enclosed until we know who we can trust.' "Yea, I know what you mean. That's why I find it difficult to trust anyone who I just meet and it takes a lot to gain trust and become a friend." A simple conversation that led to the complex topic of the truth behind a friend, but not just any friend who you can call up or hang out – no someone you can call at 4:00 in the morning just wanting to talk to about a problem that you find severe. Acquaintances can be met throughout life, yet as the years pass by, the ability to see who is a true friend, the one's whose friendship is something priceless, reveals itself.

A 'normal', complex, independent, critical thinker who may not be emotional stable, yet I earned her trust and she earned mine; someone who I can trust with my life and all my problems. Thoughts of the difference between an acquaintance and friend are simple, "I only consider those I trust friends, everyone else, although I get along with them, don't mean enough to me to be considered friends." The main characteristic that is composed of any true friendship is trust. The "trusted", who can be told anything and everything to; that type of trust is gained and earned through actions, loyalty, and observations over time. Is it wrong to be withdrawn and cease of speaking of your past to your 'friends'? Only those who have won over trust and showed they care are the 'trusted'. "Unless I really trust someone I hate to sit and talk about myself. Not as open as I seem. Even those who know me best don't know everything about me." Quite revealing, to so calmly speak about that even those who know someone best, doesn't know everything. What I do know is this, everyone holds their secrets, even the most trustworthy of friends don't know everything about someone, there is still some 'fine print' to Lynda I have yet to uncover. In hopes, I turned to her 'trusted'.

Kassy, longest known friend and in some regard, 'sister', acknowledged her reserved socially and emotionally. "It depends on the person… most people are like that, it takes awhile to warm up to someone. At first she doesn't just let loose, people have to GAIN her trust." This relationship lasted so long throughout the years because of the structure of honesty, and truth they place upon each other since they 'hit it off'. What about distance, and times of no communication between individuals, what holds those bonds together? A perfect example is Mike, middle-school friend, holds her dearly, "she and I are like brother and sister… I care for her like a sister and I practically consider her my family." Complex and strange, yet it's trust that holds their bond so close together. How can Mike know so much about you, a brother-sister relationship perhaps? "In a way yes, can't really explain it. We're incredibly close, it's actually kind of funny. We won't talk for long periods of time and then start talking again after months, even years later, and it's like we never left each other. Yet, the reason I don't consider him my brother is because with a brother, there are certain things you hold back on saying. I tell my real brother a lot of things, but not a lot of personal ones like I easily tell Mike." Even family is kept from one's secrets, yet some of us have our reasons, especially when the family issues influence one's mentality.

Lynda's emotionally instability can be traced to her childhood since she "grew up poorer than dirt, father telling me 'I'm a worthless piece of shit, the one and only time I ever saw him (I was 6) and my mother kicking me out of the house (her infamous 'I should have had an abortion' comment.) Though, they don't seem so bad. I don't care an awful lot for my parents or about a lot of things actually. The one time I was in a stable family I freaked out. It wasn't for me, in fact, made me more rebellious; to an extent of course. I still respect my grandparents an awful lot… though I've screwed up with them as well." The family's influence on an individuals' mentality is greater than one thinks, though we may not consider it, its there, and it leaves its marks. Yet, whether we overcome them or not – that decision is entirely up to us, and in doing so will make us much more independent. "After a certain point, I started to downgrade certain emotional problems that would be huge for some people, helps to block them out or ignore them." Now, the influence of the family places an important role, and a strong one in fact, what about the influence of classmates or anyone else we socialize for that matter?

George, who simply was a friend turned into someone grand in her life that the only way to describe the relationship between them was simply "a smile to that one. That's the only way I can describe it. He makes me happier than I've ever been." The difference between a friendship and a relationship of attraction is not only trust, but communication and being open with each other. Keeping secrets may result in consequences, but some secrets are best kept, but it's "not that I keep them to myself, it's just that I don't know, I can't find a reason to bring them up. I love him, and I tell him everything. It just takes a while." Everyone has been hurt before by their 'loves' and its hard to think we can trust someone enough to give our heart to, but sometimes its our past that haunts us and our actions show it. The conversation between George and Lynda that led to their current relationship shows the reservation of Lynda towards having feelings with others. "She told me how she felt about me and RAN UP THE STAIRS. The next night, I told her that I felt the same way. I asked her and she asked if I was sure. I wasn't going to give up this chance even though she would live far away. So yeah – the distance is a bitch, but we are sure making this work." George has been there for Lynda, he shows the characteristics of a caring boyfriend that understands the needs of someone, "whenever there is something wrong with her, there is something wrong with me." The influence of George has on Lynda may not be seen now, but in time, they will be revealed. "Her mentality in this is that she knows she has some one else to help and care for her. Yes, she seems to value life and she really cares about the people that are close to her. Sometimes she gets so pessimistic about school, and it bothers me, but she knows she has no option but to try harder." Though, not all of our most trusted friends are quiet the optimistic. There will always be that one person we know that though they may be pessimistic on many things, we share MANY common personal gears of thought with them.

Here's where I'm welcomed into this grand story. I see myself in Lynda. She's everything I am, [excluding the physical tendencies with each have], within a petite body. The instability, strength of mind, views, attitude, pessimistic ways, procrastination, and the social mentality of a 'rebellious teenager'. Maybe it's because of this I am one of her 'trusted'. The fact that I trust her enough to go to her with my problems of relationships or just when I'm feeling down; she understands me and knows where I'm coming from, adds to the fact that she is able to trust me. She's been there, she'll always be there, and as long as I have someone who I can trust with, I know I'll be there for her. Amongst our friends, we've been told we are 'one in the same'. Yet again, without the physical features we have in difference, but our mentality and attitude as well as our outlook on life.

So how it that someone so 'normal', just another college student can be so interesting enough to write about? It's the fact that she is anything than normal. She doesn't just think, but her 3-dimensional thinking on situations, her past that she overcame, and the ability to gain the trust of someone just as reserved as she is, is what brought this anecdote. She may not be anything like a hero or a professional, yet she's done something only a few have accomplished with me, I trust her and will always be there for her. I learned some things from Lynda. No matter how it is possible to be hurt by those closest to us, we will always find some individuals who will care about us. I became more open and giving others a try, though I may still be reserved at times, I observe every single detail and aspect of a person before I even begin to think of befriending them.