Inner Sinner

First overnight shift and even before going in I'm in a sour mood. I worked late last night. I should have slept in, but I didn't. I figured I'd wake up to be able to talk to you. That wasn't the case at all today. I understand you had your exam(s) and I'm proud of you for putting school first, but you knew I started overnight today. All day today I've gotten a handful of messages from you. Now, at the movies, you say you text, but I've gotten nothing. I send you close to 3 to 5 messages for your one response.I love that you are having fun with your friends and having a life. Maybe it's about time I cease bothering you and try to control mine.

Whether this overnight was a good idea, I don't know. I go in at 10p.m. Thats 11 your time. and I don't get out till 8:30. I would like to work simply in the morning so I'd have the afternoon and evening to spend with you, especially now with classes ending. But perhaps this is a good thing. You won't get tired of me as much and I'll learn to continue to cope without you.

Living states away from you is hard, but would living near each other make it easier? How much harder would it be to bare if you were hours, minutes, away but we'd have completely different lives. That pain seems to be exponential compared to how we are today. The pain I feel from your mum is insignificant right now, but I know it'd tear through me if I was closer. Knowing she doesn't like me, or want me near you. I shutter at the thought that if we were together, finally, you'd have to hide me from your family. Like a burden, hiding me from the gaze of your watchful mother. It seems like I'm a burden anywhere I might call home. I'd have to be hiding if I was with you. I'm out of place here, everyone here has someone or another. Back home, yes I'd have my mum, but would I be the same person I am right now? Can I swallow my pride and move back, or is my pride going to be my own undoing? Will I continue to move, changing this or that for a temporary relief till these feelings consume me completely, till it drives me to the verge of insanity; where I drink or smoke to escape reality for a few minutes.

Am I already heading down that path? Is it possible for you to redeem me from my current actions? I know I've become dependent of you emotionally. I can't focus without hearing from you. I don't know if it is bad, and if it is, how much of a threat is it?

"Anyone can be an island; you don't need a significant other to be happy."

I've lived all my life with that quote in my mind. I've shielded myself from all the relationships I've had, built a wall to block out anyone from getting too close. Why don't I have one for you? Why didn't I make one, why? So many unanswered questions tearing at my mind and emotions...

How long till a word is just... a word?

Dearest, forgive me for my actions earlier. I'm sorry. It's just now I hardly hear from you. You have school in the morning and your activities then I have to work at night when you are fast asleep. It is already taking its toll on me. I become agitated easily, lethargic, unbearable. I can't function without you. I miss you terribly, but I need you to put school first. If I can't go back, promise me you'll finish, please. I'd give anything to be in school right now. I need to go to Kent. But for how long would we be together before you go off to whatever school you desire. I wouldn't want you to stay because I was there. Especially if you had the opportunity to go to a school you really wanted to attend. Promise me nothing will stop you from finishing...

Its a new day already. It just hit Midnight and you are fast asleep. Ohio, I love that you want to talk, but I don't enjoy the thought of you losing sleep because of me. God, you mean the world to me. I simply can't live without you in my life. I was never really living until I meet you. Now, there is so much I want to live for, everything because I want to do so many things with you. So many promises I've made to you. I will keep each and every single one of them. I could and will never lie to you. I can't fathom the amount of pain I'd feel with the thought of ever hurting you. I never want to see you cry or ever be hurt again. I'd destroy anyone who would hurt you. Anyone who has.

Its The Little Things

The purpose of this letter has no significance other than the reiteration of what I've told you before. My feelings and thoughts. I can't, and won't, ever be tired of telling you what you mean to me. How strongly I feel towards you. The way I can have the worst of days possible and simply hearing from you, even for a moment makes everything disappear. I honestly don't recall the exact moment I feel madly in love with you, I do know that I still fall all over again and again every single day. I could never stop these feelings towards you. You truly are the one, my only one. I think the distance between us is the reason we feel so strongly towards each other.

Can you imagine the sheer magnitude of our feelings towards each other when we are in each others arms? The intensity will hold the world in that moment and rock the Heavens. It will show them what true love looks and feels likes; the angels will shed tears of grace upon us. We can dance in them till the moonlit guides us away and towards a sunrise the world has never witnessed. Whether you believe me when I tell you how beautiful you are, how you are my angel; it's the truth. You are beautiful, my angel, my princess, my queen, my life, my everything, my one, my only one, my true love.

Individuals spend eternity looking for that special someone. I am ready to spend that lifetime with you, in your arms. Never leaving them or your lips.