We Don't Have to Get Married... But I'm still In Love with You

The Bearer of Bad News, as always. Ohio, just because I talked to the manager that I wanted out doesn't mean I'll be able to. They still need to find someone to replace me before I can stop doing overnights; until then I have to continue. Sadly this damnation can continue for months before anyone might be willing to go through this.

Almost 2 a.m - 3 a.m. and you are awake messaging me. It is painful for me to know that even though I never wanted to hurt you, I am. I'm making you worry and stay up and it cuts through me slowly with a dull blade tipped with poison. I feel like poison who is just slowing going to eat at us both. It is already starting. I'm bringing you down and its hurting me to know that.

Hearing from you being up made me cry. God I miss you so much. This job keeps me from you. I can't stop crying. It hurts to leave you. If this paper were to make it to your hands, you'd see where the words are smudged and ran with my tears. Is it weak of me to cry? How can I not when I can't hold and kiss the woman of my dreams. the one and only. My beautiful wife. I hate these words, but forgive me for speaking these daggers that cut so deeply into you... Yet again I have to leave you. As I try to hold down my tears once more. My love, I'd be completely devastated if you left. I don't believe, honestly, I could live. Nothing would seem beautiful to me. Everything would be dead to me, just how my life was before your beautiful smile and true love entered my non-existing life.

My Last Moments with You

11:00 p.m.
Just saw a guy buy those animal silly rubber bands you told me about that you bought/wear. I got both happy and sad at the same time, my heart lightened my life yet brought the realization back. I should be home right now talking to you. Not here at work doing overnights. Sometimes I wish I got fired so I HAD to go back home and school...

5:50 a.m. Finally a break. Tonight/Morning has seriously dragged. Every time I looked up I hoped for those magical numbers 8:00, hell even 7:00, that's when the next person comes in. Sadly every single time I'd look up, only minutes would pass. If I was lucky, perhaps an hour. To think I have to continue this till the end of the month before I get a chance to even try and get my sleep pattern back. Will I last that long? I've already been close to having a breakdown in and out of work. How much more can I take? How long before my fake smile doesn't work? [Yesterday] Lynda asked me who I'm going to live with when the lease is over. That is funny because Danny already made it clear it'd be them and Lynda's brother in one apartment and Tony, Michelle, and I in another. I'm not entirely sure Lynda knows about Danny's intentions. Oh well. What I'd wish to be able to say I have a dorm already waiting for me at Kent State.

/sigh 3 mins before I have to go back to this hell. I love you Ohio. Only you. Forever and Always. Those are the last words I'd say if I only had those moments to live.

I'll Be Your King, and you... You will be my Queen

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter

As long as I'm laughin' with you

I'm thinkin' that all that still matters is love ever after

After the life we've been through

'Cause I know there's no life after you

You and I, right or wrong, there's no other one

After this time I spent alone

It's hard to believe that a man with sight could be so blind

Thinkin' 'bout the better times, must've been outta my mind

So I'm runnin' back to tell you

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter

Without you God knows what I'd do, yeah

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter

As long as I'm laughin' with you

I'm thinkin' 'bout all that still matters is love ever after

After the life we've been through, yeah

Know there's no life after you

How is it possible I could care for you or, in time, the kids? I can't even control my life right now. I have a nowhere job. No schooling. No positive habits. I'm 21 years old with nothing to show for my life. I can't help you or even my mum. She is back home struggling to stay on top of things. I'm here doing the same. How can I help her when I can't do anything except the same thing she is doing? I came here to go to school, I've only stepped in college once, and it wasn't even to register. I can't take it anymore. I'm sick of only working. I hate to spend the whole day sleeping only to get up and go to work. I need my life in control. I need to know I can take care of you, my mum, and the kids. I need to know that truth. I really do, Ohio.

5:15 a.m. Finally a break, only 3 more hours and 15 minutes till I get to tell you I love you and miss you again. I was fixing stock around the store when I walked by the Father's Day aisle. I got a bit teary eyed thinking about our family. I want to be theirs and your rock. The foundation. I want them to be able to rely on me when things get hard. Most of all I want them to never have the life I had. I don't want them to know that life. I want them to have a better life. I need to control this life for them and you. I can't give you a Castle, but please, be my Queen?

The Gods will Shed a Tear in Our Grace

Even though I couldn't see you, I could see how hurt you were when I told you I had to leave. It pained me to see that image. I know everything is hard, but I will try as hard as I can and as long as I have to to make sure you only have a smile on your face. I don't want a fake either, Ohio, you never have to hide anything from me. I want us to continue saying whats on our mind. Our love to be enveloped by truth and trust. I can't imagine ever lying to you, even a small white lie. You trust me so much, I know by the actions you've done.

Everything you've done sends so many messages to me. Your trust for me. Your dreams are my dreams. Your life is my life. I'll do anything for us. For you. Us. Our children. All of you mean everything to me. I can't wait to fulfill all my promises to you. Us traveling, rawring, living, enjoying all sorts of sights, taking beautiful pictures. We might need another closet solely for our pictures. Unless we get a dark room and keep them there. We might have to build our own home. A closet for your outfits, a gun room, dark room, possibly another closet where I'm sure you'll fill up with something. A living room, kitchen, den, dining room, our bedroom, guest rooms, the Boo's rooms...

5 a.m. Finally a chance to write to you. Forgive me for making you cry Ohio. You know I never want that. My dearest, if we were closer, I honestly would raise hell till I got the schedule I wanted or I'd find a new job where I'd get to spend time with you. I know I've told you countless times, but I can honestly say, I've never attempted to push you away. I've been completely honest with you the moment I meet you to when I told you I loved you up to now and forever. We were meant to be? Someone so beautiful as you who could put any Goddess to shame could love me. Why you don't believe me that you are beautiful baffles me. How you can't see the beauty I see, I don't know. But I'm going to try my hardest to make our wedding as pure as our love and try to get it even a hint of your beauty. It aches me to know that after a long tiresome day, you lie in bed shedding tears because of me.

I promise to forever be by your side in anything you do because that is the vow I take. To be your life partner, only yours. I found the one and only who has shown me the beauty of the world in her eyes and smiles. The sweetest of melodies in her voice and heartbeat. The realization that something so complicated as love exists between two people who love each other unconditionally.

Nothing But Love Between Us

3:30 a.m. Break Time. Half Time. Sleep Time. All sorts of things happening at different continuous, infinite space of time. Do we really understand the concept behind space and time? What if everyone perceives time differently, who's correct in the matter? How interesting I'm on my break, which happens to be about halfway through my shift and you are sleeping soundly. Again, would life be easier or harder for both or either of us if we were finally together.

As hard as it is right now for both of us. I truly believe if everything was the same, except us being closer, would be much harder. Would you really want to finally be able to see me for a a split second before I tell you I have to leave for work? Would or could I withstand telling you I have to leave your side? Could we really live with one of us rising up while the other finally gets to shut their eyes? If that was our life, I'd leave my job to be able to be with you. Even if I had to find something with less pay or benefits, it'd mean us being able to sleep and wake together.

That is the most important vision I have. Waking up to your slow, soft breaths. Wanting to kiss your lips so early morning. Never wanting to leave you. Falling in love all over again every single moment with you.

Good morning Ohio... I read your message. I pray you are okay... What would become of me if anything happened to you. If I am already doubtful of people and secluded to myself, what kind of human would I become if the one person I trust and love the most was lost to me? Would I even be human anymore or would I rock Hollywood's thoughts of the living dead? I wake up and fall asleep every time thinking of you. So many thoughts about you race through my mind, "is she okay? Did she sleep well? at all? Does she know how much I love her? Did she finish her work last night? I hope she eats breakfast. Has a good day today. Will I be able to talk to her today?"

God I miss talking to you, terribly. It breaks my heart, and slowly a piece of me is dying. I miss waking up hoping I could send you a kiss and message before you beat me to it. I miss you having to get off the computer, but still messaging me. Even though you could get in trouble. I miss dialing your number and hearing the sweetest melody in your voice when you answered. I just fell in love with you all over again thinking about those things. I wish I was home right now, hearing my favorite song till its slow beautiful rhythm sent me to a place I was safe with our arms wrapped around each other.

Inner Sinner

First overnight shift and even before going in I'm in a sour mood. I worked late last night. I should have slept in, but I didn't. I figured I'd wake up to be able to talk to you. That wasn't the case at all today. I understand you had your exam(s) and I'm proud of you for putting school first, but you knew I started overnight today. All day today I've gotten a handful of messages from you. Now, at the movies, you say you text, but I've gotten nothing. I send you close to 3 to 5 messages for your one response.I love that you are having fun with your friends and having a life. Maybe it's about time I cease bothering you and try to control mine.

Whether this overnight was a good idea, I don't know. I go in at 10p.m. Thats 11 your time. and I don't get out till 8:30. I would like to work simply in the morning so I'd have the afternoon and evening to spend with you, especially now with classes ending. But perhaps this is a good thing. You won't get tired of me as much and I'll learn to continue to cope without you.

Living states away from you is hard, but would living near each other make it easier? How much harder would it be to bare if you were hours, minutes, away but we'd have completely different lives. That pain seems to be exponential compared to how we are today. The pain I feel from your mum is insignificant right now, but I know it'd tear through me if I was closer. Knowing she doesn't like me, or want me near you. I shutter at the thought that if we were together, finally, you'd have to hide me from your family. Like a burden, hiding me from the gaze of your watchful mother. It seems like I'm a burden anywhere I might call home. I'd have to be hiding if I was with you. I'm out of place here, everyone here has someone or another. Back home, yes I'd have my mum, but would I be the same person I am right now? Can I swallow my pride and move back, or is my pride going to be my own undoing? Will I continue to move, changing this or that for a temporary relief till these feelings consume me completely, till it drives me to the verge of insanity; where I drink or smoke to escape reality for a few minutes.

Am I already heading down that path? Is it possible for you to redeem me from my current actions? I know I've become dependent of you emotionally. I can't focus without hearing from you. I don't know if it is bad, and if it is, how much of a threat is it?

"Anyone can be an island; you don't need a significant other to be happy."

I've lived all my life with that quote in my mind. I've shielded myself from all the relationships I've had, built a wall to block out anyone from getting too close. Why don't I have one for you? Why didn't I make one, why? So many unanswered questions tearing at my mind and emotions...

How long till a word is just... a word?

Dearest, forgive me for my actions earlier. I'm sorry. It's just now I hardly hear from you. You have school in the morning and your activities then I have to work at night when you are fast asleep. It is already taking its toll on me. I become agitated easily, lethargic, unbearable. I can't function without you. I miss you terribly, but I need you to put school first. If I can't go back, promise me you'll finish, please. I'd give anything to be in school right now. I need to go to Kent. But for how long would we be together before you go off to whatever school you desire. I wouldn't want you to stay because I was there. Especially if you had the opportunity to go to a school you really wanted to attend. Promise me nothing will stop you from finishing...

Its a new day already. It just hit Midnight and you are fast asleep. Ohio, I love that you want to talk, but I don't enjoy the thought of you losing sleep because of me. God, you mean the world to me. I simply can't live without you in my life. I was never really living until I meet you. Now, there is so much I want to live for, everything because I want to do so many things with you. So many promises I've made to you. I will keep each and every single one of them. I could and will never lie to you. I can't fathom the amount of pain I'd feel with the thought of ever hurting you. I never want to see you cry or ever be hurt again. I'd destroy anyone who would hurt you. Anyone who has.

Its The Little Things

The purpose of this letter has no significance other than the reiteration of what I've told you before. My feelings and thoughts. I can't, and won't, ever be tired of telling you what you mean to me. How strongly I feel towards you. The way I can have the worst of days possible and simply hearing from you, even for a moment makes everything disappear. I honestly don't recall the exact moment I feel madly in love with you, I do know that I still fall all over again and again every single day. I could never stop these feelings towards you. You truly are the one, my only one. I think the distance between us is the reason we feel so strongly towards each other.

Can you imagine the sheer magnitude of our feelings towards each other when we are in each others arms? The intensity will hold the world in that moment and rock the Heavens. It will show them what true love looks and feels likes; the angels will shed tears of grace upon us. We can dance in them till the moonlit guides us away and towards a sunrise the world has never witnessed. Whether you believe me when I tell you how beautiful you are, how you are my angel; it's the truth. You are beautiful, my angel, my princess, my queen, my life, my everything, my one, my only one, my true love.

Individuals spend eternity looking for that special someone. I am ready to spend that lifetime with you, in your arms. Never leaving them or your lips.

Is This Love? - Whitesnake

I should have known better
Than to let you go alone
It's times like these
I can't make it on my own
Wasted days, and sleepless nights
An' I can't wait to see you again

I find I spend my rime
Waiting on your call
How can I tell you, babe
My back's against the wall
I need you by my side
To tell me it's alright
Cos I don't think I can take anymore

Is this love that I'm feeling
Is this the love that I've been searching for
Is this love or am I dreaming
This must be love
Cos it's really go a hold on me
A hold on me

I can't stop the feeling
I've been this way before
But, with you I've found the key
To open any door
I can feel my love for you
Growing stronger day by day
An' I can't wait too see you again
So I can hold you in my arms


Is this love that I'm feeling
Is this the love that I've been searching for
Is this love or am I dreaming
This must be love
Cos it's really got a hold on me
A hold on me

Is this love that I'm feeling
Is this the love that I've been searching for

Evolution

3:23 pm. I know we are suppose to love each other for and by the way we are, but is it so wrong to try to change someone? Even if you mean for the better? I can't help but think maybe, they were right... I should've waited. Are we really compatible? Can we make this work? Nothing is every 50/50, someone always try more than the other person.

Maybe your just overthinking this? You just need to relax. Alot has happened these past few days and you just need to breathe and handle everything on a day-by-day basis. You can't carry the burden of the world on your shoulders every single day.

How can I handle it all by solely living in the present? What about the future? I enjoy the little moments that are happening at this exact moment, how could I not? But... what about the future I want, need, deserve to give others? How can I explain to them or my family that I was too busy living in the realization of the moment to think of anything else? To worry about what might happen 5 years from now?

Though I know I can't think of all the answers to the countless questions I have racing through my mind. I can't help but wonder about it all. Maybe, I shouldn't have risked it; and if I didn't, what if I missed something beautiful later on? How can I live without knowing whats in store for me?

Do I regret this decision... I'm not entirely sure. Was this a short-termed fix? I don't know. How long can this possibly last? Forever perhaps. I'm willing to try everything I can to make this work, because though it may not seem like it, I truly care for you. I'm always there for you, not because I want something in return; because I want you to know you have someone here, in the flesh that cares for you and would do anything to keep you happy.

Something is in motion right now that I can not understand, how could I? I'm not a critical thinker. I can feel this... mass energy pushing my body apart, ripping it to shreds. Trying to escape, warm me, show me the errors of my ways.

Ugh, the stretch of your disgusting taste of a hobby. I told you the rules. I gave you the choice. You chose to go against me, now... what's left, me raging, you killing yourself from the inside out. If you really wanted to destroy your body, I'd do it. I've committed pain and torment from the inside of your body before, why not now? Is it because I did in fact teach you how to be stronger? Enclose yourself behind a wall? Or did you really in fact break me... again?

3:42 pm. This is a new developement.

A Short, Likeable Love Story by the Mystery Master

So, since I was done with "The Lovely Bones" I decided to go around and see if I can find another book to indulge in. I know I know, you shouldn't judge a book by its cover, but in all seriousness, a cover does in fact attract a reader. After some searching I ended up at Wal-mart and found this lovely little book.

Being a James Patterson fan, of course I LOVE it, so come on; I'm a one-sided person here cause I'm a fan of Mr. Patterson. :) Now, my first book was "The Jester" which I loved so much that I re-read it so many times, the pages are yellow with being worn.

So far its been about 3 days and I'm about half-way through the book, and yet again, no spoilers on my part; I've already read afew of the Alex Cross series... mostly Alex Cross. Again, if anyone knows any authors like James Patterson, or you just want to tell me about some of your favorite ones, I'd love to expand my reading material and see their list of literature. :)