Problems. Problems. Problems.

This is life, isn't it?

Living THE Dream

How can I decide what I want to settle down with for my life? I want to do some many things with my life; be a game tester, veterinary medicine, teach English literature, travel the world, fire some of the deadliest weapons known to man. How is it possible to have a career in all those fields in order for me to accomplish them all?

I suppose what I really want in my future is the great “American dream” of having that promising career, a good family, the love of a faithful loving partner. If I really had to be picky, I’d want a two-story home with a large enough backyard for a trampoline and swimming pool. Beautifully furnished with oak dressers, white tile in the kitchen, black granite countertops, flushed carpet in the rooms. My dream life consists of having a dream career of the above. Be able to do all the things I enjoy, my hobbies; a studio for any times I may feel like recording or sampling music, or maybe just to have a good laugh with friends. A dark room whenever I feel artistic in developing film for fun: a location for any of my art supplies from ceramics to just painting.

If anything my life consists of decisions in my present time, so my future life is nothing more but hopes and dreams of a close to “perfect” life with everything working in its order. I know nothing will every work completely so I know certain things won’t work at times, but what I really want is just a life I can fully and truly control.

ee-death

How the f*ck can you question me?
My well-to-do self being is nothing what it seems,
I'm f*cking broken by the one thing I truly fear,
Something so complex, nothing could compare to it near,
My heart, whatever the f*ck was left,
Was broken and torn right from my very breast,
I watched as you squeezed with all your might,
I continued dying slowly since that fateful night.

I've become hostile to all those who I called my fam,
What you used to feel for me is nothing but a sham,
I call and message to see how your doing,
Your short responses show me your true feelings,
My pitiful cries for attention and help are blown off,
To the sound of another number on your cell,
You quickly answer to see who it is,
I hoped you did that for me is what I wish.

How can it be I could have possible cared for you so,
Since its over you treat me like a f*cking bloke,
You f*cked me over continuously day by day,
But guess what, I loved you, which made me stay,
Loved, being the key phrase in this rant rage,
To you, I guess I'm nothing more than a stage,
Honestly the most I'll ever be is your toy,
You know my words are true, don't act coy.

I'm nothing more than a fall back, just in case right?
Someone thats always gonna be there day and night,
A simple call and I'll be there, Johnny on the Spot,
You know this truth, your acts make me rot,
I'll be the one you can kick to the curve like a doll,
But guess what, I'll always be there to watch you fall.
I'll be the one to pick you up and stand by your side,
Unlike the rest who just want to f*ck you like a ride.

Your doubting me, but look into my eyes as I look into yours,
Understand the truth of life and its course,
My eyes swell to see you in the arms of another,
We spoke of family, happy to be a father,
I lost that warmth in my heart when you walked,
Wonder how different it'd be if we talked,
I sigh at you with you talks of a daughter,
Yet you take it as a joke, killing me like man-slaughter.

Evolution

3:23 pm. I know we are suppose to love each other for and by the way we are, but is it so wrong to try to change someone? Even if you mean for the better? I can't help but think maybe, they were right... I should've waited. Are we really compatible? Can we make this work? Nothing is every 50/50, someone always try more than the other person.

Maybe your just overthinking this? You just need to relax. Alot has happened these past few days and you just need to breathe and handle everything on a day-by-day basis. You can't carry the burden of the world on your shoulders every single day.

How can I handle it all by solely living in the present? What about the future? I enjoy the little moments that are happening at this exact moment, how could I not? But... what about the future I want, need, deserve to give others? How can I explain to them or my family that I was too busy living in the realization of the moment to think of anything else? To worry about what might happen 5 years from now?

Though I know I can't think of all the answers to the countless questions I have racing through my mind. I can't help but wonder about it all. Maybe, I shouldn't have risked it; and if I didn't, what if I missed something beautiful later on? How can I live without knowing whats in store for me?

Do I regret this decision... I'm not entirely sure. Was this a short-termed fix? I don't know. How long can this possibly last? Forever perhaps. I'm willing to try everything I can to make this work, because though it may not seem like it, I truly care for you. I'm always there for you, not because I want something in return; because I want you to know you have someone here, in the flesh that cares for you and would do anything to keep you happy.

Something is in motion right now that I can not understand, how could I? I'm not a critical thinker. I can feel this... mass energy pushing my body apart, ripping it to shreds. Trying to escape, warm me, show me the errors of my ways.

Ugh, the stretch of your disgusting taste of a hobby. I told you the rules. I gave you the choice. You chose to go against me, now... what's left, me raging, you killing yourself from the inside out. If you really wanted to destroy your body, I'd do it. I've committed pain and torment from the inside of your body before, why not now? Is it because I did in fact teach you how to be stronger? Enclose yourself behind a wall? Or did you really in fact break me... again?

3:42 pm. This is a new developement.