The Gods will Shed a Tear in Our Grace

Even though I couldn't see you, I could see how hurt you were when I told you I had to leave. It pained me to see that image. I know everything is hard, but I will try as hard as I can and as long as I have to to make sure you only have a smile on your face. I don't want a fake either, Ohio, you never have to hide anything from me. I want us to continue saying whats on our mind. Our love to be enveloped by truth and trust. I can't imagine ever lying to you, even a small white lie. You trust me so much, I know by the actions you've done.

Everything you've done sends so many messages to me. Your trust for me. Your dreams are my dreams. Your life is my life. I'll do anything for us. For you. Us. Our children. All of you mean everything to me. I can't wait to fulfill all my promises to you. Us traveling, rawring, living, enjoying all sorts of sights, taking beautiful pictures. We might need another closet solely for our pictures. Unless we get a dark room and keep them there. We might have to build our own home. A closet for your outfits, a gun room, dark room, possibly another closet where I'm sure you'll fill up with something. A living room, kitchen, den, dining room, our bedroom, guest rooms, the Boo's rooms...

5 a.m. Finally a chance to write to you. Forgive me for making you cry Ohio. You know I never want that. My dearest, if we were closer, I honestly would raise hell till I got the schedule I wanted or I'd find a new job where I'd get to spend time with you. I know I've told you countless times, but I can honestly say, I've never attempted to push you away. I've been completely honest with you the moment I meet you to when I told you I loved you up to now and forever. We were meant to be? Someone so beautiful as you who could put any Goddess to shame could love me. Why you don't believe me that you are beautiful baffles me. How you can't see the beauty I see, I don't know. But I'm going to try my hardest to make our wedding as pure as our love and try to get it even a hint of your beauty. It aches me to know that after a long tiresome day, you lie in bed shedding tears because of me.

I promise to forever be by your side in anything you do because that is the vow I take. To be your life partner, only yours. I found the one and only who has shown me the beauty of the world in her eyes and smiles. The sweetest of melodies in her voice and heartbeat. The realization that something so complicated as love exists between two people who love each other unconditionally.

Nothing But Love Between Us

3:30 a.m. Break Time. Half Time. Sleep Time. All sorts of things happening at different continuous, infinite space of time. Do we really understand the concept behind space and time? What if everyone perceives time differently, who's correct in the matter? How interesting I'm on my break, which happens to be about halfway through my shift and you are sleeping soundly. Again, would life be easier or harder for both or either of us if we were finally together.

As hard as it is right now for both of us. I truly believe if everything was the same, except us being closer, would be much harder. Would you really want to finally be able to see me for a a split second before I tell you I have to leave for work? Would or could I withstand telling you I have to leave your side? Could we really live with one of us rising up while the other finally gets to shut their eyes? If that was our life, I'd leave my job to be able to be with you. Even if I had to find something with less pay or benefits, it'd mean us being able to sleep and wake together.

That is the most important vision I have. Waking up to your slow, soft breaths. Wanting to kiss your lips so early morning. Never wanting to leave you. Falling in love all over again every single moment with you.

Good morning Ohio... I read your message. I pray you are okay... What would become of me if anything happened to you. If I am already doubtful of people and secluded to myself, what kind of human would I become if the one person I trust and love the most was lost to me? Would I even be human anymore or would I rock Hollywood's thoughts of the living dead? I wake up and fall asleep every time thinking of you. So many thoughts about you race through my mind, "is she okay? Did she sleep well? at all? Does she know how much I love her? Did she finish her work last night? I hope she eats breakfast. Has a good day today. Will I be able to talk to her today?"

God I miss talking to you, terribly. It breaks my heart, and slowly a piece of me is dying. I miss waking up hoping I could send you a kiss and message before you beat me to it. I miss you having to get off the computer, but still messaging me. Even though you could get in trouble. I miss dialing your number and hearing the sweetest melody in your voice when you answered. I just fell in love with you all over again thinking about those things. I wish I was home right now, hearing my favorite song till its slow beautiful rhythm sent me to a place I was safe with our arms wrapped around each other.

Inner Sinner

First overnight shift and even before going in I'm in a sour mood. I worked late last night. I should have slept in, but I didn't. I figured I'd wake up to be able to talk to you. That wasn't the case at all today. I understand you had your exam(s) and I'm proud of you for putting school first, but you knew I started overnight today. All day today I've gotten a handful of messages from you. Now, at the movies, you say you text, but I've gotten nothing. I send you close to 3 to 5 messages for your one response.I love that you are having fun with your friends and having a life. Maybe it's about time I cease bothering you and try to control mine.

Whether this overnight was a good idea, I don't know. I go in at 10p.m. Thats 11 your time. and I don't get out till 8:30. I would like to work simply in the morning so I'd have the afternoon and evening to spend with you, especially now with classes ending. But perhaps this is a good thing. You won't get tired of me as much and I'll learn to continue to cope without you.

Living states away from you is hard, but would living near each other make it easier? How much harder would it be to bare if you were hours, minutes, away but we'd have completely different lives. That pain seems to be exponential compared to how we are today. The pain I feel from your mum is insignificant right now, but I know it'd tear through me if I was closer. Knowing she doesn't like me, or want me near you. I shutter at the thought that if we were together, finally, you'd have to hide me from your family. Like a burden, hiding me from the gaze of your watchful mother. It seems like I'm a burden anywhere I might call home. I'd have to be hiding if I was with you. I'm out of place here, everyone here has someone or another. Back home, yes I'd have my mum, but would I be the same person I am right now? Can I swallow my pride and move back, or is my pride going to be my own undoing? Will I continue to move, changing this or that for a temporary relief till these feelings consume me completely, till it drives me to the verge of insanity; where I drink or smoke to escape reality for a few minutes.

Am I already heading down that path? Is it possible for you to redeem me from my current actions? I know I've become dependent of you emotionally. I can't focus without hearing from you. I don't know if it is bad, and if it is, how much of a threat is it?

"Anyone can be an island; you don't need a significant other to be happy."

I've lived all my life with that quote in my mind. I've shielded myself from all the relationships I've had, built a wall to block out anyone from getting too close. Why don't I have one for you? Why didn't I make one, why? So many unanswered questions tearing at my mind and emotions...