To The One I Call My Own

Falling Lower

3:00 p.m. I'm not happy unless I'm alone with you. I really can not stand my life anymore Ohio. I hate everyone and everything around me. The only time I feel any sense of peace is when I lock myself away from the world in complete darkness. Though that only lasts for so long before I begin to feel painfully alone until I hear from you. Honestly, I've thought of ending it all, one way or another. Dying is easy, living is hard. But I'm tired of "living" with you only being a thought or a voice behind a phone call. I don't care if its selfish of me. I need something physically tangible of an interaction to exist between us. I need to be able to hold you, kiss you, let you out of my arms only to realize how much that hurts and pull you back closer. I honestly don't know how much longer I can fake this smile or keep pretending I'm alright.

My body can't keep up anymore with the pains of work. My mind has left me a long time ago. Talking to you is holding the last bit of sanity that really keeps me alive. Between not having the girl of my dreams and the ignorant individuals that parody around me daily, I don't see how I'll ever fit into this demented world. How I captured your heart, I don't know. I'm just beyond ecstatic to know I'm madly in love with you and you are in love with me; me, someone who honestly doesn't deserve anyone's time of day...

The Small Moments In Life

You never responded to my messages as to why my last post made you really sad? I'm sorry that it saddened you. Babe, I never want to know or see you cry. I apologize but those are just thoughts I've had. I want to be completely honest with you. I always have and always will.

Is this love that I'm feeling,

Is this the love, that I've been searching for

Is this love, or am I dreaming

I do all this so I can get to be with you faster. Start our life together. Never leaving each others arms. You are my heaven, my paradise on this unholy soil.

4:30. I wish I was there right now, hearing your soft breaths as you sleep, the beautiful sound of your heart serenading me and warming my heart. Leaning in I'd kiss you softly as you stir. Then, as the night begins to disappear, your beautiful smile waking up the sun to shine upon us as we hold each other tight. Kissing your forehead then your nose, I'd tell you I love you, how beautiful you are, and how you mean the world to me; I'd kiss you softly back down till we are lying together basking in the morning sun, I'd know how lucky I am to have you in my life. Your heart beating its beautiful melody for me. My heart, belonging only to you. That is the morning I dream about. The morning I live for. To have those moments with you. For the rest of my... our life.

We Don't Have to Get Married... But I'm still In Love with You

The Bearer of Bad News, as always. Ohio, just because I talked to the manager that I wanted out doesn't mean I'll be able to. They still need to find someone to replace me before I can stop doing overnights; until then I have to continue. Sadly this damnation can continue for months before anyone might be willing to go through this.

Almost 2 a.m - 3 a.m. and you are awake messaging me. It is painful for me to know that even though I never wanted to hurt you, I am. I'm making you worry and stay up and it cuts through me slowly with a dull blade tipped with poison. I feel like poison who is just slowing going to eat at us both. It is already starting. I'm bringing you down and its hurting me to know that.

Hearing from you being up made me cry. God I miss you so much. This job keeps me from you. I can't stop crying. It hurts to leave you. If this paper were to make it to your hands, you'd see where the words are smudged and ran with my tears. Is it weak of me to cry? How can I not when I can't hold and kiss the woman of my dreams. the one and only. My beautiful wife. I hate these words, but forgive me for speaking these daggers that cut so deeply into you... Yet again I have to leave you. As I try to hold down my tears once more. My love, I'd be completely devastated if you left. I don't believe, honestly, I could live. Nothing would seem beautiful to me. Everything would be dead to me, just how my life was before your beautiful smile and true love entered my non-existing life.

My Last Moments with You

11:00 p.m.
Just saw a guy buy those animal silly rubber bands you told me about that you bought/wear. I got both happy and sad at the same time, my heart lightened my life yet brought the realization back. I should be home right now talking to you. Not here at work doing overnights. Sometimes I wish I got fired so I HAD to go back home and school...

5:50 a.m. Finally a break. Tonight/Morning has seriously dragged. Every time I looked up I hoped for those magical numbers 8:00, hell even 7:00, that's when the next person comes in. Sadly every single time I'd look up, only minutes would pass. If I was lucky, perhaps an hour. To think I have to continue this till the end of the month before I get a chance to even try and get my sleep pattern back. Will I last that long? I've already been close to having a breakdown in and out of work. How much more can I take? How long before my fake smile doesn't work? [Yesterday] Lynda asked me who I'm going to live with when the lease is over. That is funny because Danny already made it clear it'd be them and Lynda's brother in one apartment and Tony, Michelle, and I in another. I'm not entirely sure Lynda knows about Danny's intentions. Oh well. What I'd wish to be able to say I have a dorm already waiting for me at Kent State.

/sigh 3 mins before I have to go back to this hell. I love you Ohio. Only you. Forever and Always. Those are the last words I'd say if I only had those moments to live.

I'll Be Your King, and you... You will be my Queen

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter

As long as I'm laughin' with you

I'm thinkin' that all that still matters is love ever after

After the life we've been through

'Cause I know there's no life after you

You and I, right or wrong, there's no other one

After this time I spent alone

It's hard to believe that a man with sight could be so blind

Thinkin' 'bout the better times, must've been outta my mind

So I'm runnin' back to tell you

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter

Without you God knows what I'd do, yeah

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter

As long as I'm laughin' with you

I'm thinkin' 'bout all that still matters is love ever after

After the life we've been through, yeah

Know there's no life after you

How is it possible I could care for you or, in time, the kids? I can't even control my life right now. I have a nowhere job. No schooling. No positive habits. I'm 21 years old with nothing to show for my life. I can't help you or even my mum. She is back home struggling to stay on top of things. I'm here doing the same. How can I help her when I can't do anything except the same thing she is doing? I came here to go to school, I've only stepped in college once, and it wasn't even to register. I can't take it anymore. I'm sick of only working. I hate to spend the whole day sleeping only to get up and go to work. I need my life in control. I need to know I can take care of you, my mum, and the kids. I need to know that truth. I really do, Ohio.

5:15 a.m. Finally a break, only 3 more hours and 15 minutes till I get to tell you I love you and miss you again. I was fixing stock around the store when I walked by the Father's Day aisle. I got a bit teary eyed thinking about our family. I want to be theirs and your rock. The foundation. I want them to be able to rely on me when things get hard. Most of all I want them to never have the life I had. I don't want them to know that life. I want them to have a better life. I need to control this life for them and you. I can't give you a Castle, but please, be my Queen?

Its Cold Down In The Bottom

My dear. I hate this. They already made the schedule to the end of the month. I am overnight. I am beyond aggravated. The manager who controls the schedule is on vacation so I can't tell her to take me off overnights. As much as I enjoy the sense of peace and quiet that comes with working overnights, not being able to talk to you or my mum greatly outweighs its tranquility. This week that I had off, I tried as much to talk to you, but I felt hellish all week. Got headaches, body aches, sick most of the week. My mum had called me during the week, but I was either asleep or cranky/sick to talk with her. I know you mean well when you push me back to school...

Ohio, I know nothing about Literature or Writing. How can you think I'm good at something I don't fully understand? I know nothing about conjunctions, adjectives, adverbs, the difference between an action verb and a verb. How can I possibly become a journalist or get a degree in writing when I don't even know the basics. Forgive my pessimism, but I just can't see a way out of this hole I am continuous digging myself into. I will not blame others for the roadblocks I've set for myself. If you could live with me, would I really be selfish and let you? I honestly believe all I'd do is bring you down with me. I've spend countless sleepless hours lying in bed with that thought. I will not let myself sink you with me...

The Gods will Shed a Tear in Our Grace

Even though I couldn't see you, I could see how hurt you were when I told you I had to leave. It pained me to see that image. I know everything is hard, but I will try as hard as I can and as long as I have to to make sure you only have a smile on your face. I don't want a fake either, Ohio, you never have to hide anything from me. I want us to continue saying whats on our mind. Our love to be enveloped by truth and trust. I can't imagine ever lying to you, even a small white lie. You trust me so much, I know by the actions you've done.

Everything you've done sends so many messages to me. Your trust for me. Your dreams are my dreams. Your life is my life. I'll do anything for us. For you. Us. Our children. All of you mean everything to me. I can't wait to fulfill all my promises to you. Us traveling, rawring, living, enjoying all sorts of sights, taking beautiful pictures. We might need another closet solely for our pictures. Unless we get a dark room and keep them there. We might have to build our own home. A closet for your outfits, a gun room, dark room, possibly another closet where I'm sure you'll fill up with something. A living room, kitchen, den, dining room, our bedroom, guest rooms, the Boo's rooms...

5 a.m. Finally a chance to write to you. Forgive me for making you cry Ohio. You know I never want that. My dearest, if we were closer, I honestly would raise hell till I got the schedule I wanted or I'd find a new job where I'd get to spend time with you. I know I've told you countless times, but I can honestly say, I've never attempted to push you away. I've been completely honest with you the moment I meet you to when I told you I loved you up to now and forever. We were meant to be? Someone so beautiful as you who could put any Goddess to shame could love me. Why you don't believe me that you are beautiful baffles me. How you can't see the beauty I see, I don't know. But I'm going to try my hardest to make our wedding as pure as our love and try to get it even a hint of your beauty. It aches me to know that after a long tiresome day, you lie in bed shedding tears because of me.

I promise to forever be by your side in anything you do because that is the vow I take. To be your life partner, only yours. I found the one and only who has shown me the beauty of the world in her eyes and smiles. The sweetest of melodies in her voice and heartbeat. The realization that something so complicated as love exists between two people who love each other unconditionally.

Nothing But Love Between Us

3:30 a.m. Break Time. Half Time. Sleep Time. All sorts of things happening at different continuous, infinite space of time. Do we really understand the concept behind space and time? What if everyone perceives time differently, who's correct in the matter? How interesting I'm on my break, which happens to be about halfway through my shift and you are sleeping soundly. Again, would life be easier or harder for both or either of us if we were finally together.

As hard as it is right now for both of us. I truly believe if everything was the same, except us being closer, would be much harder. Would you really want to finally be able to see me for a a split second before I tell you I have to leave for work? Would or could I withstand telling you I have to leave your side? Could we really live with one of us rising up while the other finally gets to shut their eyes? If that was our life, I'd leave my job to be able to be with you. Even if I had to find something with less pay or benefits, it'd mean us being able to sleep and wake together.

That is the most important vision I have. Waking up to your slow, soft breaths. Wanting to kiss your lips so early morning. Never wanting to leave you. Falling in love all over again every single moment with you.

Good morning Ohio... I read your message. I pray you are okay... What would become of me if anything happened to you. If I am already doubtful of people and secluded to myself, what kind of human would I become if the one person I trust and love the most was lost to me? Would I even be human anymore or would I rock Hollywood's thoughts of the living dead? I wake up and fall asleep every time thinking of you. So many thoughts about you race through my mind, "is she okay? Did she sleep well? at all? Does she know how much I love her? Did she finish her work last night? I hope she eats breakfast. Has a good day today. Will I be able to talk to her today?"

God I miss talking to you, terribly. It breaks my heart, and slowly a piece of me is dying. I miss waking up hoping I could send you a kiss and message before you beat me to it. I miss you having to get off the computer, but still messaging me. Even though you could get in trouble. I miss dialing your number and hearing the sweetest melody in your voice when you answered. I just fell in love with you all over again thinking about those things. I wish I was home right now, hearing my favorite song till its slow beautiful rhythm sent me to a place I was safe with our arms wrapped around each other.

Inner Sinner

First overnight shift and even before going in I'm in a sour mood. I worked late last night. I should have slept in, but I didn't. I figured I'd wake up to be able to talk to you. That wasn't the case at all today. I understand you had your exam(s) and I'm proud of you for putting school first, but you knew I started overnight today. All day today I've gotten a handful of messages from you. Now, at the movies, you say you text, but I've gotten nothing. I send you close to 3 to 5 messages for your one response.I love that you are having fun with your friends and having a life. Maybe it's about time I cease bothering you and try to control mine.

Whether this overnight was a good idea, I don't know. I go in at 10p.m. Thats 11 your time. and I don't get out till 8:30. I would like to work simply in the morning so I'd have the afternoon and evening to spend with you, especially now with classes ending. But perhaps this is a good thing. You won't get tired of me as much and I'll learn to continue to cope without you.

Living states away from you is hard, but would living near each other make it easier? How much harder would it be to bare if you were hours, minutes, away but we'd have completely different lives. That pain seems to be exponential compared to how we are today. The pain I feel from your mum is insignificant right now, but I know it'd tear through me if I was closer. Knowing she doesn't like me, or want me near you. I shutter at the thought that if we were together, finally, you'd have to hide me from your family. Like a burden, hiding me from the gaze of your watchful mother. It seems like I'm a burden anywhere I might call home. I'd have to be hiding if I was with you. I'm out of place here, everyone here has someone or another. Back home, yes I'd have my mum, but would I be the same person I am right now? Can I swallow my pride and move back, or is my pride going to be my own undoing? Will I continue to move, changing this or that for a temporary relief till these feelings consume me completely, till it drives me to the verge of insanity; where I drink or smoke to escape reality for a few minutes.

Am I already heading down that path? Is it possible for you to redeem me from my current actions? I know I've become dependent of you emotionally. I can't focus without hearing from you. I don't know if it is bad, and if it is, how much of a threat is it?

"Anyone can be an island; you don't need a significant other to be happy."

I've lived all my life with that quote in my mind. I've shielded myself from all the relationships I've had, built a wall to block out anyone from getting too close. Why don't I have one for you? Why didn't I make one, why? So many unanswered questions tearing at my mind and emotions...