Inner Sinner

First overnight shift and even before going in I'm in a sour mood. I worked late last night. I should have slept in, but I didn't. I figured I'd wake up to be able to talk to you. That wasn't the case at all today. I understand you had your exam(s) and I'm proud of you for putting school first, but you knew I started overnight today. All day today I've gotten a handful of messages from you. Now, at the movies, you say you text, but I've gotten nothing. I send you close to 3 to 5 messages for your one response.I love that you are having fun with your friends and having a life. Maybe it's about time I cease bothering you and try to control mine.

Whether this overnight was a good idea, I don't know. I go in at 10p.m. Thats 11 your time. and I don't get out till 8:30. I would like to work simply in the morning so I'd have the afternoon and evening to spend with you, especially now with classes ending. But perhaps this is a good thing. You won't get tired of me as much and I'll learn to continue to cope without you.

Living states away from you is hard, but would living near each other make it easier? How much harder would it be to bare if you were hours, minutes, away but we'd have completely different lives. That pain seems to be exponential compared to how we are today. The pain I feel from your mum is insignificant right now, but I know it'd tear through me if I was closer. Knowing she doesn't like me, or want me near you. I shutter at the thought that if we were together, finally, you'd have to hide me from your family. Like a burden, hiding me from the gaze of your watchful mother. It seems like I'm a burden anywhere I might call home. I'd have to be hiding if I was with you. I'm out of place here, everyone here has someone or another. Back home, yes I'd have my mum, but would I be the same person I am right now? Can I swallow my pride and move back, or is my pride going to be my own undoing? Will I continue to move, changing this or that for a temporary relief till these feelings consume me completely, till it drives me to the verge of insanity; where I drink or smoke to escape reality for a few minutes.

Am I already heading down that path? Is it possible for you to redeem me from my current actions? I know I've become dependent of you emotionally. I can't focus without hearing from you. I don't know if it is bad, and if it is, how much of a threat is it?

"Anyone can be an island; you don't need a significant other to be happy."

I've lived all my life with that quote in my mind. I've shielded myself from all the relationships I've had, built a wall to block out anyone from getting too close. Why don't I have one for you? Why didn't I make one, why? So many unanswered questions tearing at my mind and emotions...